My Testimony …

This morning, my husband posted this quote below –

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I couldn’t help but reply with what I believe to be true because sometimes we get our own hopes up about things that are not even part of God’s plans & then get mad at Him when it doesn’t come to pass. I believe God hears ALL of our prayers – even the ones that are embedded in our hearts but we can’t find the words to say out loud. However, He only answers according to His will, not our own & at His perfect timing. Sometimes His answer is, “Yes”, “No” or “Not Yet” but regardless of what His answer is, we must always ask for His will to be done, not ours. As I commented, I was listening to My Testimony by Marvin Sapp on Pandora & I was encouraged to share one of mine.

I remember specifically asking God one night to remove the person – who I was with at the time – out of my life if he wasn’t the one He had chosen for me. Not long after, I began to see the red flags. Of course, I would try to rationalize them & make excuses but I knew deep down this was God’s way of answering my prayer. Although all these signs were being revealed to me, I had to ultimately make the decision to let go & move on (because God wasn’t going to do it for me) but I couldn’t find the courage & didn’t have the self-worth to do so. Of course, I didn’t know that then. I thought it was because I “loved him”. Who was I kidding?! I barely loved myself & that was the reason why I wouldn’t let go. My self-worth was found in him & how he made me feel. He would sweet talk me, buy me things or did whatever it took to convince me to believe him – only to lie to me again. I would get mad, give him the silent treatment & then eventually forgive him. What was I proving? I thought I was proving I was tough but in reality I was only proving how weak & insecure I really was.

A woman who knows her worth & loves herself would have never tolerated any type of disrespect coming from someone who’s supposed to love, respect & cherish her but how could he if I didn’t love, respect or cherish myself. This went on for months & a lot transpired before he told me one day that he couldn’t be the man I needed him to be. All I was asking was for a man who had a heart after Jesus, who respected me enough to be truthful to me & love me the way I deserved & to grow together in our walk with the Lord but this was his cop-out because he had already moved on & was too much of a coward to tell me. You see, although I wanted him to be the man God had for me – I knew deep down he just wasn’t the one. But I didn’t want to believe it. Even though I prayed for God to remove him out of my life … I was in denial. Meanwhile, this was God’s way of making that happen since I wasn’t strong enough to walk away on my own.

Then, I remember getting on my knees while in the shower, crying out to God & pleading with Him to bring him back. I didn’t want to accept that the man I had dreamt of marrying one day & having kids with would find it so easy to walk away just like that after 4 years. Instantly, God reminded me of the night I prayed for the complete opposite months before. It was heartbreaking & I just did not want to accept it. Looking back at it now – had God not allowed this to happen, I would’ve continued entertaining this toxic relationship I was in. God obviously heard all of my prayers & the many times I would ask Him to help me to “convince” my ex that we could make it work but it just wasn’t part of God’s plans. At the moment, I had no idea what His plans were but I believed mine seemed a lot better. Had I known then what I know now, it would’ve saved me from many sleepless nights, excruciating heartache, weight loss, anxiety, isolating myself & falling into a deep depression. Anytime I would go out, everything would remind me of him. Everything. It was a very dark time in my life where I knew in order to overcome it, I had to turn to the One who had never left my side. I had placed my ex on a pedestal for so long that I made him my “everything” & I placed God on the back burner although I would go to church every Wednesday & Sunday, read the bible & pray. I had been doing all these things but not truly applying it to my daily decisions & actions.

I was blessed enough to have women in my life who I refer to as sisters – sisters who love the Lord – that would be there to pray over me, encourage me to keep pressing forward & remind me of my worth. Although I would continue to wake up with anxiety every single day & literally with an ache in my heart that I never thought would ever go away, I knew that God had a plan for me & that I would one day look back & praise Him for allowing these things to happen because it was the only way I’d turn to Him & truly allow Him to sit on the throne of my heart. My ex swept me off my feet only to let me fall flat on my face but the One who was there to pick up the pieces of my broken heart was Jesus.

Anytime I went to church, I felt the presence of God as I worshiped & cried my heart out. When the pastor would preach, the message was exactly what I needed to hear. When I would be home reading my bible or listening to a sermon, I would feel Him there with me. Anytime I would go out to the movies or to dinner alone (or as I would always say, “Me, myself & Jesus” – lol), I learned to enjoy my own company & in the process of taking the time to be single & remain celibate – I was able to identify the areas I needed to work on & began to work on myself because as much as I would like to put all of the blame on my ex, I was to blame also. I made many poor choices but by the grace of God, the old me is dead & gone – I am a new creation & God made beauty from ashes. I am grateful to have been through such heartache because I will never allow myself to go back to being who I once was or settle for anything less than God’s best.

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I would be lying if I said I’m 100% healed because I’m not & I’m ok with that because I know in time I will be. Be kind & gracious to yourself. Don’t give yourself a time limit or get discouraged because someone you may know healed a lot sooner than you. There are different stages you will face as you heal & you may find yourself repeating some stages. Learn to forgive yourself for not walking away sooner. Anger was one stage I kept going back to. I was angry at myself for not obeying God & falling for the lies time & time again. I had to learn not to give in anytime I was tempted to go on social media to see what he posted or who he was with. I thank God for being my strength because I think my healing process would have been so much harder if I tortured myself in that way. I know it’s not easy but it’s something I knew I had to do for ME & it’s something that you have to do for YOU!

I am much wiser & I have learned to truly love myself. I have forgiven myself & him even if I never got an apology for all the pain he caused me. I learned that the only One who could ever love me perfectly is God. I learned that people will fail me, but my God never will.

I am married to an AMAZING man who has a heart after God, who loves me & respects me as unto the Lord, who is an AMAZING father & husband – I am beyond grateful because I am undeserving of it all but God finds me worthy. He finds YOU worthy of mighty things. If my experience is one you can resonate with, I pray that you turn to the One who will never misguide you nor deceive you. Allow Him to sit on the throne of your heart. I learned to place my heart in the hands of God & in His timing He placed my heart in the hands of the one who deserved me most. I trust that He will do the same for you but you must let go & let God be the center of it all. Allow Him to heal you. Allow Him to have His way in your life. Allow HIS will to be done.

Until next time, many blessings & much love! – XO

P.S.

“Transparency is a way of relating to others in which you reveal your inner self, your true experience. That means exposing your vulnerabilities & fears, as well as your desires & points of view about whatever issues you’re discussing.” This is why creating this blog means so much to me because it’s my way of expressing MYSELF & being true to ME.

This is a book that helped me so much in my healing process. I attended an 8 week class with a group of other amazing women who had been through a lot of pain & needed healing just like me. This book opened my eyes to many different areas of my life that needed healing & how there was more to my story than my relationship with my ex. I pray it blesses you as it blessed me.

Life’s Healing Choices: Freedom from Your Hurts, Hang-ups, and Habits by John Baker

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2 thoughts on “My Testimony …

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