But I “love” him.

As I’ve mentioned many times in the past, I was in a relationship with my ex for almost 5 years. A year into the relationship he lied about being where he was at (a strip club). There was no need for him to lie unless he had something to hide (obviously). I didn’t forgive him right away but eventually I let it go because I “loved” him. As women (as some men do as well), we overlook many of the red flags that are being presented to us early on in the relationship only to set ourselves up for failure in the long run.

For instance, before I met my ex I was engaged & living with my son’s father (who is now my husband). I was just as broken as my ex was which is why it’s so important that I share this post because that had a lot to do with the poor decisions I made in the years that followed.

When we don’t value ourselves as we should, we teach others to do the same. We can’t expect other people to love us or respect us if we don’t know how to love or respect ourselves. Of course, I didn’t think of it this way at the time. I believed I did love myself but looking back I didn’t. Had I did, I wouldn’t have allowed someone to hurt me continuously. I wouldn’t have been so quick to call off my engagement & move on so quickly. Please understand that I’m not saying we shouldn’t give second chances. None of us are perfect so we can’t expect to have a perfect relationship either. However, if the person you’re with continues to lie or make poor decisions time & time again; it’s best that you take a step back & really think about what’s happening. There’s nothing wrong with evaluating yourself or the relationship & deciding not to deal with less than you deserve or as I like to say, “Don’t settle for less than God’s best”.

In my case, I was setting myself up for failure once I chose to ignore SEVERAL red flags presented in the beginning of the relationship which I will mention at the end of this blog. How could I have possibly ignored them? Because he was “everything” I truly believed at the time I wanted & needed. I truly believed he was heaven sent. I remember daydreaming of someone like him so meeting him was like, “Thank You, Jesus!!” But at this time my relationship with Jesus was non-existent.

Which is another point I want to bring up. When we are truly intentional about our relationship with Jesus & desiring God’s will over our own, it’s impossible not to see things for what they are because the Holy Spirit will reveal things to us in such a profound way. Though it’s not always easy to turn away from our sins or submit to His will but we see things much clearer as we’re being convicted. Ultimately, it’s up to us on whether or not we are going to obey but we have this tug on our heart that we can’t help but to acknowledge.

That’s exactly what began happening to me. The more intentional I became about my relationship with Christ, the more things were revealed to me. I believe He had always been revealing these things to me but I was blinded by everything else that pretty much took God’s place. I loved Jesus but loved even more the things that made me “feel” good no matter how much it dishonored God. But no matter how much we try to avoid dealing with our issues (whatever that may be to you), we end up having to deal with them eventually.

I hope this post encourages you to look within yourself & evaluate the different areas in your life that have caused more hurt than happiness. If it’s causing you to feel drained & confused, it’s worth evaluating.

Due to my disobedience, I had to face the consequences that came along with not letting go of my ex when I was lead to by God. I’d let go only to get sucked back in until my ex found someone else & left me to pick up the pieces of my broken heart all by myself but little did he know that there was someone who had been by my side all along & who waited for me patiently to finally turn to Him & allow Him to carry me through to what would be the beginning of my new life. #WontHeDoIt

Some of the red flags I intentionally & unintentionally ignored:

– It didn’t bother him that I was in a relationship (someone whose intentions are only to have sex with you will not mind as long as they think they might have a chance).

– Two years into our relationship his exact words were, “I was just supposed to hit it & run. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love. I only enrolled into college just to find a girl”. After a few weeks from being enrolled, we met & he never went back. He clearly wasn’t lying.

– He invited me to a club where his ex was celebrating her bday that night. He didn’t care how it would make her feel to see us together knowing she still wasn’t over him. I was too drunk to care myself ๐Ÿ™ˆ but that’s besides the point.

– A year into our relationship, he lied about where he was. He forgot he had called me that night & said he was at his “sister’s house watching a bball game with some friends”. He claimed he had to step outside because it was “too loud”. The next morning he texted me & said he never got to his sister’s house & ended up turning back around to go back home. He then confessed after denying it for a while that he was at the strip club. But who knows if that was even true.๐Ÿค”

– He spoke so badly about his ex & lied about staying in contact with her for the first 3 years of our relationship.

This is just to name a few of the many red flags I ignored. You’re probably asking yourself how could I have continued giving him so many chances. As a narcissist, he was a charmer & very strategic on how to win me over. And because I was broken & didn’t know my own worth, I allowed this type of abuse to continue.

You can read this post to better understand my testimony.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this post. I pray it has blessed you. Please feel free to message me if there’s anything you’d like to know or would like to share.

Until next time, many blessings & much love! – ๐Ÿ’•๐ŸŒป

11 thoughts on “But I “love” him.

  1. Iโ€™m so proud to call you my wife. I know itโ€™s not easy to share your personal experience like you do and I commend you for that. Itโ€™s truly amazing to see your growth and how you didnโ€™t let that bad experience break you but you turned it into a positive to help others not make the same mistakes and for that you are a true blessing to our family and others that follow you and read your blog.


  2. I can relate to this article so much. I myself have been in a similar situation last year and I am glad to say that I am finally out of that relationship for over a year now and honestly I’ve been happier and less stressed ever since. Looking back now, I don’t understand why I believed his lies or why did I choose to believe them but all I remember was that at that time I met him I was feeling lost and I thought being with him helped me to find myself it turned out that I was wrong. But with that experience, I was able to learn, get back up, push myself to be better and to be self sufficient. Life is still a long way but I believe everything will be so much better. Thank you for inspiring me.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks for sharing. Being transparent isnt easy and I’m so glad that you are. We have all been there in some way. I believe this to be 1 of many inspiring testimonies. Bless you sis.

    Liked by 1 person

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