How much longer until I finally get a break? How much longer until I find someone I can build a future with? How much longer until my heart finally heals? How much longer until I find a job? How much longer until the person I love & care for will make the decision to do right for them? How much longer until I see the desires of my heart come to pass?
I was born straight into a broken home. One parent was diagnosed with schizophrenia, battled demons (literally), depression, and drug addiction. The other parent abused prescription drugs and I suspect molestation and who had absolutely no idea what is was to love herself, let alone a child. My mom was 23 when she had me. I don’t know the entire story and I am sure I never will, but shortly thereafter – she became a single mom. My dad lived in Puerto Rico for a couple years, but my grandma (his mom) would pick me up sometimes so that I could have a relationship with his side of the family. I still remember the day he came back to NJ and they introduced me to him. I was so confused, and at roughly 6 years old, had no idea how to even feel. It was fun while it lasted. But because my mom and dad could never get along, my mom turned into this “baby mama” and completely just removed him from my life all together. My mom was a workaholic, and although when I was really young she spent a bit more time with me, as I got older, she would stay at work for about 12 hours and even when she was home, it was obvious she didn’t care much about connecting.
As I was on my way home from work today, I was reflecting on my life these days. I was debating on whether or not I should pull over to make a video or just wait to get home to post on my blog. In the midst of it, one of my close friends who I love dearly messaged me & I felt led to share my thoughts with her. After she listened to my message on WhatsApp, she shared what a blessing it was to her & I give God all of the glory. If you believe this post blesses you, please don’t hold back from sharing it with others who could possibly be blessed by it too.
This morning, my husband posted this quote below –
I couldn’t help but reply with what I believe to be true because sometimes we get our own hopes up about things that are not even part of God’s plans & then get mad at Him when it doesn’t come to pass. I believe God hears ALL of our prayers – even the ones that are embedded in our hearts but we can’t find the words to say out loud. However, He only answers according to His will, not our own & at His perfect timing. Sometimes His answer is, “Yes”, “No” or “Not Yet” but regardless of what His answer is, we must always ask for His will to be done, not ours. As I commented, I was listening to My Testimony by Marvin Sapp on Pandora & I was encouraged to share one of mine.
“She focused on God. He did the same. God gave them each other.” ✝️💕
1-27-16 After waiting a year and six months… OUR FIRST KISS 💕
Don’t be fooled when I met this man I was a broken, beat down, lost soul…I had given my heart to yet another “boy” (age does not make you a man) who did not value me… Once he had me where he wanted me, I was manipulated, used, and abused…Time after time I would “walk away” from this relationship just to run right back… I knew deep inside that I needed to close the door on this toxic relationship, but deception (the enemies tool) would distort my vision, and I continued to believe “things would change”…Things def did not change.. However what did change was my decision to finally cry out to God for his help ( sad that I placed him last) I clearly remember kneeling in my bathroom hysterical crying/yelling telling God he can finally have his way in my life…I no longer wanted to go through life without his hand… Once I gave God control he was able to begin his work in my heart and mind (God is a gentleman he will not force himself on anyone. He allows the choice to be ours)
A prayer I wrote March 21, 2016 – God is the same yesterday, today & forever 🙌🕇
Heavenly Father, in the name of Jesus & in the power of the Holy Spirit, I come before you to thank you for waking us up this morning & allowing us to see another day. You know the situation or storm each of us find ourselves in. May You remind us of your power & of your love for us despite of what we may be going through. May you strengthen & comfort us in the midst of pain.